The 3 Biggest things that f*$k up your relationship…

Just ask me because over the last 28 years, I have pretty much participated in each of these three things and they have led to pain!

So many relationships fail these days because of these three things...

- Unmet Expectations
- Holding onto Resentments
- Withholding communication

Having expectations of your partner will really mess you up! But you might say, "Of course I have expectations, doesn’t everyone?" 
Expectations can be a double-edged sword in relationships. While they are natural to have, unrealistic or unspoken expectations can wreak havoc. Especially those expectations that we have created subconsciously without awareness 

Have you ever thought about where those expectations come from? To have awareness of your expectations, you need to go back to your childhood. 
What did your parents expect from each other? 
What beliefs about relationships have you unknowingly taken on as your own?

This is what I refer to as our conditioning. Conditioning is our beliefs, values, and traditions that we have unconsciously taken on from a young age on how we are supposed to live our lives and be in relation to others.

I have a newsflash for you... Your conditioning chose your partner! Your conditioning creates your expectations of yourself and your partner. I had to (and still do, by the way) work on the expectations I have of my partner.

I expected that he was going to take care of our home and our house just the way that my dad used to when I was a little girl. Unknowingly, I placed this expectation on him to show up the way that my dad showed up! However, my husband was brought up in the Middle East without a father and without a garden to tend to. He was brought up without a role model of a masculine man, a caretaker. My constant expectations and subsequent disappointments had him feel like nothing that he ever did was good enough because he couldn't meet the expectations or the standard that my father had set in that area. Now, this is a simple example, but what about those other expectations we have around roles at home, finances, communication, intimacy, and sex?

More recently, as I have learned to be more vulnerable, I expected that he would be able to hold me in my vulnerability. When he couldn't show up for me in the way I needed, this led to frustration and hurt. How could he? He wasn't taught how to? His mother was widowed when he was 3, and he was raised by a strong woman who never showed her vulnerability.

Through bringing awareness to those expectations rather than shame or making them wrong, we can open up the lines of communication to discuss these expectations.

What expectations are you placing upon your partner? What needs are not being met that you are looking for them to fill? Where do they even come from? Are they yours, or were you conditioned to have them?

A mentor of mine, Tony Robbins, said, "When you trade your expectations for appreciation, your whole world changes in an instant!" This I know to be true!

Now let’s talk about resentments,  unmet expectations are the breeding ground for feeling hurt, unappreciated, unloved, or undervalued. This hurt causes us to shut down and protect ourselves so that we don't have to feel that pain or hurt. However, in the shutting down, we also shut down our heart and love, which is the very opposite of what we truly desire. We all desire to love and be loved. Our hurts and resentments get in the way of that and can eventually turn into a grudge we carry into the future of our relationships.

And that is why it's so important to avoid withholding communication. When you feel hurt or disappointed, it's important to develop a healthy communication of your feelings. When we withhold communication, it can eat you up from the inside and create conflict and eventually a story of incompatibility. To learn more about how to communicate your feelings in a healthy way, check out my blog post.